The First Half of MY 2012

 I figured before the world ends, I should do my "end of the year" post.

I'm going to skip the political and world events and just do my personal year.

2012 was a tough year for me to say the least. I don't remember much of the first part of. My husband was deployed and thats kind of what I was basing my "year" around. 

In January 2012, we celebrated my last christmas with my Great Grandma Ruby. She had tumor and she barely remembered us but it was still a good memory.

5 generations

On our way home, we found a super cool blue door and stopped for a few pictures.

Me and 2 of my sisters

In February, Grandma Ruby passed away. My brother, Jeremy, came home from a 6 month deployment to Afghanistan. He lived with me for a few weeks. I think we learned that even though we love each other, we are not great roommates. ;)

March wasn't super exciting. I turned 23. Kaiden was 21 months old and started sleeping in a toddler bed. He also finally had some hair growth, and it was curly! We also got to spend a lot of time with Addie and Jay-Jay!

Kaid, Jo, Addie

April was a little more exciting! My husband came home from Afghanistan after 13 months! 

We also adopted an American Bulldog/Boxer mix puppy from the local animal shelter. She was abused by her previous owners so it took her a bit to warm up to us. she's still skittish sometimes, but she loves the boys and they love her. She and Kaiden are besties.

Welcome Lewie!

Kaiden and his Bullet

Also in April, My husband donned a kilt and participated in the Highland Games. It was fun to watch.

Real men throw rocks.

In May, we found a mulberry tree in our backyard. We also celebrated my baby's 3rd birthday! He got to go camping for the first time.

"We don't know where all the berries went!"

Happy birthday, baby!

Mother's day!

June was pretty fun too. We had a bonfire at my mom's for the boys birthdays. We celebrated our 4th anniversary. My husband surprised me with a trip to IL to see my family there! I don't get to see them nearly as much as I would like. While we were there we celebrated Kaiden's 2nd birthday.

Cake at Nana's

My brother and sister in IL. Nick jr and Sierra

Grandma Chris, Kaiden, and some kids.

Play place at my grandparents. I played there when i was little!

That used to be my sisters when she was little

Grandma and grandpa walker

Sierra & Kaid

My dad with jo

my dad and Kaiden

twinkies!

And since there are so many pictures, I will make another post of the last 6 months later. 

It's been fun doing this. I looked through all my old facebook posts to see what if anything happened that month. 

My first few months were all mashed together this year and I didn't remember a lot of what happened.

Overcoming Shyness

“I never wish to offend, but I am so foolishly shy, 

that I often seem negligent, 

when I am only kept back by my natural awkwardness.”
― Jane Austen, Sense and Sensibility

It may not be surprising to hear but... I'm a very shy person. Usually I feel bad about it. But when I look how I used to be a few short years ago, I think I've come a long way. 

I didn't talk to anyone outside of my immediate family until I was in 2nd grade. My mom had to record me reading out loud so my teacher would pass me in 1st grade. 

I remember one day when we were all supposed to bring an ingredient to school to make stone soup. I was supposed to bring the carrot. Well, I put it in the fridge in the cafeteria. When it was time to make the soup my carrot was gone! I was so upset and didn't know what to do. I couldn't ask the lunch ladies where it went. So I went to class and hoped the teacher would forget we needed a carrot. She didn't. She asked for it and I just burst into tears. She thought I just forgot it. For some reason that really bothered me. I wanted her to know I had brought it but that it was missing. But I just COULDN'T say anything to her. So I just cried. 

Eventually I got better. 

I came out of my shell a little more after I got married.

I kind of hid behind my husband though. We made a few close "couple friends" when we lived in KC. At first it bothered me when my husband would leave the room with the other husbands and make me talk to the wives by myself. But once I actually did it and got to know them, I loved them and looked forward to when they would leave the room so we could have girl talk. 

Now that we are in a different town, and trying to make new friends, it still bothers me when he leaves me. But I know its just because I'm terrible at making conversation. I can actually handle the deep conversations. Its the small talk and getting to know people that I'm not so good at. Once we get past all that, it's great.

I came out of my shell even more after we had babies. They are good topics of conversation. Especially with other moms. 

But sometimes, I hide behind them too. Just this morning a lady that I would like to get to know sat down to talk to me but Kaiden decided he was ready for Sunday school and instead of just letting him go play while I talked, I got up with him. 

I'm still far from where I want to be. I don't want to be a social butterfly, hopping from person to person. I like having just a few close friends. But I want to be outgoing enough that I can actually make real friends. Without relying on my husband or babies. Or hiding behind them. 

Also, I go out of my way to avoid talking to …business people? Like if I go into a little shop and I have a question, I'll make my sister or husband go ask. Or if I have a question about a bill, I'll try to figure everything out online so I can avoid talking to someone on the phone. It just makes me so anxious for some reason. 

My husband has caught on and only sometimes will ask for me, but usually makes me do it. My sisters still give in. Cause I'm the oldest and therefore the boss. oh! …Love you guys! ;)

I'm slowly getting better but its been a long process and I still have a long way to go.

That's what has been on my mind lately. 

Partly because I want/need friends. 

And partly because I worry that my oldest is missing out on things like I did. I watch him in his Awana class. He smiles and laughs as he sits against the wall and watches the other kids play. But he doesn't participate often. Maybe he's still young and will come out of it? It seems like he likes older kids. Kids who don't want to play with babies. But he has a hard time with kids his own age. He does talk to people sometimes, so at least I know he won't be 100% like me. But sometimes I worry about it. I don't want to force him to play with other kids and make him uncomfortable but I also don't want him to always just sit against the wall and wait for someone to invite him in. I want him to reach out and try to play on his own. I guess as long as he is happy and smiling, I can be happy for him. I just don't want him to think he has to stay against the wall for the rest of his life. Eventually he'll want to join in but won't know how.

Also, I just realized this is turning into a novel! the kids are up from nap, so we'll have to continue this another day.

Share your thoughts! 

What can I do to encourage him to participate a little more? He's only 3 and I don't want to push him to far out of his comfort zone yet.

He does love his cousin, Addie. :)

Dolly Madison

Some people have asked for a copy of my "speech" for my brother's funeral. I don't know that'd I'd call it a speech. Maybe a letter or something? Anyway, I just decided to post it here so whoever wants it can read it.

Dalton. 
 I'm sitting here with my computer. Trying to type away like you did when you'd stay over and write stories. Only my mind isn't full of fiction stories. I don't even know what to say. I'm just typing because the sound is soothing. It reminds me of you.

  I could talk about all the things I miss about you. Like your smile and how you always have to make jokes. Even the annoying things. Like leaving your soda cans all over my house (cause you'd drink a case a day). Or drinking a gallon of my sweet tea before anyone else got a glass. And drinking that gallon of tea out of 5 different cups because you never remembered where you put your last one. And don't even get me started on all the stains you've left on my carpet. If I had known you would be gone, I wouldn't have complained about having to clean up after you. I'd let you leave as many cups and stains as you wanted if I thought it'd bring you back. 

  I could talk about all the times you stayed at my house. And the snoring. Oh my gosh, that snoring. When Kenny was deployed you would stay up late with me when I couldn't sleep and watch tv. The next thing I hear is what sounds like a dying pig in my ear. I never thought I'd miss that. I'd let you snore in my ear every night if I thought it'd bring you back.

  I could talk about what a good brother you were to me. I remember many times, driving to and from Sedalia. making you listen to silly music while I danced like a nerd. You just laughed at me. Or fell asleep and snored louder than my music. :) And you were a great listener. Sometimes people talk more than they listen. You weren't really like that.

  I could talk about what an amazing uncle you were. Oh May-May. Those boys love you so much. They don't know you're gone yet. And anyway I'm pretty sure Iosiah would just argue with me and tell me you must be at Jay-Jay's. I loved how you could be playing the PS3 or writing a story and they would come in and want to wrestle with you and you'd stop what you were doing to rough them up and give them attention. They loved riding on your shoulders. You're taller than mommy and daddy so you're much more exciting. I wish they could have told you goodbye. I don't even remember if they gave you a hug the last time we saw you. If I thought it would work, I would do ANYTHING for those boys and addie to have their May-May back. 

  Nothing can bring you back. 

 But I can learn from this. The biggest thing I've learned so far is to not take time for granted. What if those hateful words are the last thing you say to that person? What if you were mad at your spouse and refused to give them a kiss goodbye and they were in an accident and died. You can't always take those things back. And even if you do get to apologize, it still hurts. Its not easy to forget hurtful words. Words are more powerful than you know. Do your words build people up? or tear them down? The last time I saw Dalton, my words were not words of hate. If I had known that was the last time I'd see him though.…. I would have said so much more. I would have told him I was proud of him. I would have told him he was talented. He was handsome. He was great. He was LOVED. I would have probably annoyed him with too many hugs and kisses. If there is such a thing. This is the point I want to make. Don't waste time on things that don't matter. Is Facebook more important than telling your mom you love her and you're thankful for her. Is that video game more important than telling your siblings you're proud of them. go play with them. Is that movie more important than you calling your best friend that you haven't talked to in awhile and seeing how they are? What could be more important than your relationships with those you love? I would have made sure I said all those things to Dalton, if I knew it was the last time. I would have made sure my boys got their last hugs and kisses from him... 

 Dalton knew I loved him. And he knew I always will.

 He'll always be my Dolly Madison. He'll always be their May-May. He'll always be the Jester. He'll always be our Dalton. 

Also, can I just say that it sucks that hostess is going out of business. I didn't really buy a lot of their products but they owned Dolly Madison which is where we got dalton's nickname when we were all little. I saw a sign the other day at the grocery store that basically said dolly madison was gone. ...yeah. Just seems like poor timing. 

How Far Is Heaven?

 Since my brother died, I've thought a lot about what happens when you die.
 It's made me realize that my knowledge of Heaven is almost childlike.
 As I got older I never did my own research into heaven. I just believed and understood the basics that I learned when I was little. Like when you die, you go straight to heaven and you have a new body, no pain or sadness. Things like that.
 Heaven has never been something I thought about theologically. It's always been one of those things I figured I find out about when I died. Because it never made a difference to me, until recently.
 Apparently when someone close to you dies, people feel like they can give you their opinion on all things death and heaven. There are a lot of different ideas of what happens. Which is why I've decided to actually look into it myself.
 Some people believe things like I did when I was young. Some people believe there is a waiting period because you can't go to Heaven until the judgement which isn't until Jesus comes back.
Other people believe that your loved ones can look down on you and watch over you. I didn't realize people REALLY believed that. I thought it was just something they'd say to be comforting. But it's actually a belief. I don't believe that... I believe that they will be too busy worshipping God to be worrying or watching us. That's just my opinion.

I'd love to hear your opinion and what you believe about what happens when you die!
Right now I'm listening to a sermon series titled, What Happens When You Die?  From John Piper. It's really making a lot of sense to me, but I don't want to just go off of what one pastor says. So tell me what you believe and why. Or if you have some good resources you could share!
Just please don't turn this into a debate and argue with other people on here.

And I'm sorry if my opinion about your loved ones looking down on you hurts anyones feelings. Everyone is entitled to their opinion.
If I get to Heaven and it turns out I'm wrong, I'll send you a sign. ;)

I want to run on greener pastures

I want to dance on higher hills

I want to drink from sweeter waters 

In the misty morning chill

And my soul is getting restless

For the place where I belong

I can't wait to join the angels

And sing my heaven song

--Lyrics from Phil Wickham's Heaven song--

--My very own Tommy Pickles--

It is pretty interesting being the only female in a house of guys.
Sure, my kids are only 2 and 3 but they are ALL boy.
I had hoped for a girl but so far only boys. And I'm okay with that now.
Sometimes I think that if we decide for another baby, I'd be a little disappointed if it was a girl.
I kind of have an idea of what to expect with boys.

Like how everything is about poop now. Poop is apparently a very funny word and can be the answer to any question. "What do you want for lunch?" poop. "What do you want to play?" poop. "Do you like my hair?" poop.

My youngest, Kaiden, is starting to become his own person. He still really loves to copy everything his brother does, but he's also coming up with some surprising things on his own.
Like stuffing things in his diaper. He likes to put things in his pockets but he doesn't like to wear pants. Which means no pockets! So instead of putting on pants, he just puts his things in his diapers.
He has 2 toy screw drivers that he walks around with poking out of his diaper. It reminds me of Tommy Pickles from the Rugrats.

My own Tommy Pickles!
-poor phone quality-

And you never know what you're gonna find in there when you change him.
Like dominos. He thinks they are miniature phones.
I've also found change in there. A few pennies, nickels, and a quarter. The occasional pieces of food. Oh! And of course we can't forget, poop!

What funny things have you found in your kids diapers?

Yesterday was a good day.

I had my first really good day in a while.
We went to church.
 We stumbled upon this church in September. One day we were driving home from the base and saw signs for a fall harvest. We didn't have any plans for that day so we decided to go check it out. The boys enjoyed it and we had a really good first impression of the people there. So we decided to check it out the next sunday morning. It felt like home. So we've been going there since then.

After church we went to my in-laws like we do every Sunday. We didn't stay for very long because the boys needed naps before we went back to church for the Thanksgiving Dinner Potluck.

Josiah didn't want to nap. He just wanted to go straight to church. He said "The cookies want to go to church, mommy!" Luckily he's not the mommy and they took naps anyway.

So after nap we went back to the church. I took the yummy cajun turkey and oreo balls (the cookies that wanted to go to church) I had made. I didn't feel like I was out of place or  I didn't belong like I've felt most of the past month when I'm with happy groups of people.

After the dinner, the boys ran around and played with the other kids.
Josiah is usually happy to play by himself or sit and watch other kids play, so I was pretty happy that he was participating.
When daddy started to help fold up chairs and tables, the boys decided they wanted to help. I was so proud of their little servant hearts.
They could have kept playing but instead Kaiden helped roll the tables around where they belonged. Josiah learned how to fold the chairs and he tried to carry them by himself but then decided it was more fun when mommy helped. He walked around telling the other kids "KIDS! Its time to clean up the chairs!" He's quiet in large groups, so they didn't hear him. He kept helping though.

They made my heart so happy.
On our drive home I just felt so happy. Everyone was happy and good and it made me happy.

Today though... It hasn't been a bad day. But its been a day.

Josiah and I talked about what happened to may-may.
He hadn't been told yet. I think I've been waiting for them to ask where he is. We don't usually go this long without seeing him and especially not when my other brothers and sisters ALL come over. They usually ask for whoever is missing. But they haven't asked yet. Sometimes I'll hear them saying something about him, just like they do bam-bam or anyone else. But thats it.
I don't really know how it came up. I was just getting Jo ready for breakfast and he said something about may-may and I told him he was dead. I said it nicely though.
Josiah doesn't understand death yet, but he knows a little. From playing and watching tv I guess.
But when I told him he looked sad for a second and then remembered he had cereal. So he ran off.
A little bit later we were sitting on the couch and he said "How is may-may dead?". Well... I don't know what to say to a 3 year old about that... He plays with his toy guns so I didn't want to give him to much detail and have his guns be scary or have him play that way. Plus he's just too little for that anyway.
So I just said he was shot. But Josiah has a very active imagination and likes to make up stories in his head. So when he heard that he thought it was an exciting story and said "A bad guy was outside and went pew (jo's gunshot sound)!"
Maybe I should have left it at that, but I don't want him to become scared or anything so I just said no, he has a real gun like daddy's and he did it himself.
Josiah just said "yeah." like he already knew or something and then asked to watch more Feeny (Boy Meets World). So I thought that was the end of it.
But then jay-jay came to visit and as soon as he walked in the door jo blurts out "May-may's dead."
Oh. Not what I was expecting...
 How do you tell a young child one of his close uncles isn't coming back? I want to avoid saying things like "he went away", "he's sleeping", or "we lost him." Kids are literal and I don't want him to think there is a chance we can find him or wake him up. He already asked me if he was just sleeping. Sometimes the boys fake die and call it sleeping. I don't want him to think that's what may-may is doing.
Any advice?

The Tears I Leave Are Healing Me

Somedays it still doesn't seem real. 

But some days it sinks in. 

I was finally able to clean my kitchen on tuesday. 

It might seem silly to you, but I had just started picking out the music I was going to listen too while I did the dishes when my mom called me on October 23rd to tell me the news. 

For three weeks after that my dishes didn't get done (which isn't as bad as it sounds, because we used a lot of paper and plastic those 3 weeks). Every time I tried to start I just couldn't do it. 

Finally I did it. I cried a lot. I know it seems silly. Dishes shouldn't be so emotional! But cleaning doesn't require a lot of thought. Which means my mind was open to the memories of that day. 

The worst day of my life.

People always ask "What's your favorite memory?" or "What was the best day of your life?" But its impossible to pick just one. 

There are the days I found out I was pregnant or when my babies were born. 

The day I found out Kenneth liked me! Or when asked me to be his girlfriend or asked me to marry him. 

The day we got married. 

The day he came home from Afghanistan. 

How can you pick just one favorite day?

I never thought it'd be so easy to say what the worst day of my life was. 

I've had bad days. Everyone does. But I forget about them. 

I wish that Tuesday was a day I could easily forget. It's always in the back of my mind. 

Its burned in my head like a movie. Flashes of it play through my head.  When I try to rest with Kaiden at nap time. Or when I'm doing the dishes. I can't sleep at night unless I wait til I'm half asleep before I even go to bed.

I try to stop those thoughts by thinking about the good things like Phil 4:8 says.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Its not always easy though. Its hard to celebrate things or be happy when I'm so sad. When I'm with groups of people I feel so out of place. Everyone is so happy and even though I'm smiling, I hurt inside. And I get tired of pretending like I care. I know they aren't all going through this, but when I hear the trivial things that they complain about it just makes me upset. I just want to say "Who cares?! I've had this terrible thing happen to me! Who cares if you got a splinter!" But I know thats not right. Thats not who I am. I care about people. Even if its something small, I care about them. God cares about that silly splinter so I should too.

I just don't know how to get through this. One day I hope to be better and then maybe I can help other people get through similar things. But right now I just want to never leave my house or talk to anyone. I force myself to do it though. I know becoming a hermit isn't healthy. I know my boys need to get out of the house and socialize with friends and family. So do I. 

How are you getting through this? I know music helps me. Lyrics can be soothing and comforting. I really like songs that I can relate too. Feel free to share what helps when you're sad or grieving. What are some of your favorite lyrics?

How can a granite stone symbolize

the kaleidoscope that was your life?

Your words will stay alive in me.

My knees grow weak,

the tears I leave are healing me.

--Say Goodnight by This Beautiful Republic--

These Are My Souvenirs

                                       "So I close my eyes and go back in time.

I can see you smiling, you’re so alive.

I close my eyes and go back in time.

you were just a child then, and so was I.

we were so young, we had no fear.

we were so young, we had no idea

that nothing lasts forever."

Well so much for posting regularly.
Right after I started this blog there was a loss in my family.
My middle brother, age 16, committed suicide.
I'm the oldest of 9. I have 2 brothers and a sister in IL that I don't get to see often.
Dalton lived with my mom in a town near here.
He would stay with me sometimes. He spent a good portion of Spring/Summer 2012 with me and my boys. He stayed with me during a lot of weekends while my husband was deployed.
My kids called him May-May. He was one of their favorite uncles.
I could let you guess why he was called May-May, because it'd probably be a more exciting story that way. But I'll tell you the true boring version instead.
When Dalton was little we called him Dolly Madison. I don't really remember why. I think it had something to do with the hostess cakes. And he hated it. And of course, as his siblings, we had to call him a name he hated.
Eventually we quit calling him that but it would still come up every once in awhile.
Anyway, one week I was staying with my brothers and sisters and we were talking about how all of them have nicknames that the boys call him.
Jeremy is Jay-Jay. Sammy is Bam-Bam. Jordan is Jordy. It comes out Dordy though. And Izaiah requested that he be called Uncle Zaiah.
So we decided Dalton needed a name.
We started playing around with Dolly Madison and Madison somehow became May-May.
At first he thought it was just silly and tried to change it but I think it grew on him.
Jeremy's daughter, Addie, started calling him May-May too.
He was a really good brother (most of the time.) and an even better uncle.
He always stopped what he was doing when the boys wanted to play with him. He even changed a diaper or two.
He will always be missed.

Last time together

Where's May-May?

Lyrics by Switchfoot "Souvenirs"

First Post

Well this is probably my third attempt at a blog. Hopefully it will last this time? This time I have my husband’s encouragement, so that will help. He’s always telling me I should blog this or that. Usually its things about the boys. Sometimes a craft we make or a recipe. We’ll see what happens. Really I’m doing this so we have something to look back on as the days and months go by to see how we’ve grown and changed. I’m not good at keeping diaries or updating the baby books but I am a lot better at stuff on the internet. This will be better.

<3 A Lewie