Sunday, December 9, 2012

Overcoming Shyness


“I never wish to offend, but I am so foolishly shy, 
that I often seem negligent, 
when I am only kept back by my natural awkwardness.”
― Jane AustenSense and Sensibility
It may not be surprising to hear but... I'm a very shy person. Usually I feel bad about it. But when I look how I used to be a few short years ago, I think I've come a long way. 

I didn't talk to anyone outside of my immediate family until I was in 2nd grade. My mom had to record me reading out loud so my teacher would pass me in 1st grade. 
I remember one day when we were all supposed to bring an ingredient to school to make stone soup. I was supposed to bring the carrot. Well, I put it in the fridge in the cafeteria. When it was time to make the soup my carrot was gone! I was so upset and didn't know what to do. I couldn't ask the lunch ladies where it went. So I went to class and hoped the teacher would forget we needed a carrot. She didn't. She asked for it and I just burst into tears. She thought I just forgot it. For some reason that really bothered me. I wanted her to know I had brought it but that it was missing. But I just COULDN'T say anything to her. So I just cried. 

Eventually I got better. 

I came out of my shell a little more after I got married.
I kind of hid behind my husband though. We made a few close "couple friends" when we lived in KC. At first it bothered me when my husband would leave the room with the other husbands and make me talk to the wives by myself. But once I actually did it and got to know them, I loved them and looked forward to when they would leave the room so we could have girl talk. 
Now that we are in a different town, and trying to make new friends, it still bothers me when he leaves me. But I know its just because I'm terrible at making conversation. I can actually handle the deep conversations. Its the small talk and getting to know people that I'm not so good at. Once we get past all that, it's great.

I came out of my shell even more after we had babies. They are good topics of conversation. Especially with other moms. 
But sometimes, I hide behind them too. Just this morning a lady that I would like to get to know sat down to talk to me but Kaiden decided he was ready for Sunday school and instead of just letting him go play while I talked, I got up with him. 

I'm still far from where I want to be. I don't want to be a social butterfly, hopping from person to person. I like having just a few close friends. But I want to be outgoing enough that I can actually make real friends. Without relying on my husband or babies. Or hiding behind them. 

Also, I go out of my way to avoid talking to …business people? Like if I go into a little shop and I have a question, I'll make my sister or husband go ask. Or if I have a question about a bill, I'll try to figure everything out online so I can avoid talking to someone on the phone. It just makes me so anxious for some reason. 
My husband has caught on and only sometimes will ask for me, but usually makes me do it. My sisters still give in. Cause I'm the oldest and therefore the boss. oh! …Love you guys! ;)

I'm slowly getting better but its been a long process and I still have a long way to go.

That's what has been on my mind lately. 
Partly because I want/need friends. 

And partly because I worry that my oldest is missing out on things like I did. I watch him in his Awana class. He smiles and laughs as he sits against the wall and watches the other kids play. But he doesn't participate often. Maybe he's still young and will come out of it? It seems like he likes older kids. Kids who don't want to play with babies. But he has a hard time with kids his own age. He does talk to people sometimes, so at least I know he won't be 100% like me. But sometimes I worry about it. I don't want to force him to play with other kids and make him uncomfortable but I also don't want him to always just sit against the wall and wait for someone to invite him in. I want him to reach out and try to play on his own. I guess as long as he is happy and smiling, I can be happy for him. I just don't want him to think he has to stay against the wall for the rest of his life. Eventually he'll want to join in but won't know how.

Also, I just realized this is turning into a novel! the kids are up from nap, so we'll have to continue this another day.

Share your thoughts! 
What can I do to encourage him to participate a little more? He's only 3 and I don't want to push him to far out of his comfort zone yet.
He does love his cousin, Addie. :)

4 comments:

  1. Send him to spend a week with his aunt Sam. :)He'll never stop talking after that one!

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  2. I didn't know about the carrot. April, you never said a word. Lets don't forget yours is a medically diagnosed problem called select mute-ism. Nothing helped you but time. I think you should watch that episode of rug rats. I'm a big brave dog I'm a big brave dog. You said your terrible at conversation. Instead of speaking that over your self say things like... Every one loves to talk to me. I'm a wonderful conversationist, I can talk to anybody... Your grandma poppy had it, I had it, I Don't see that Jo has the same thing you do. I think he is observing checking things out and being cautious. If when he starts school, he doesn't speak for 2 years, then you can freak out. Start speaking those positive things over him too. My son is a gifted speaker, he isn't shy or timid, he is brave and strong, ect... Take every thought captive... You bind up things on earth and in heaven with your words, ( the word) you also loose things as well. Loose him with your words. love mom

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  3. I really connected with this post, April. I struggle with shyness too and constantly have to push myself to interact with others and let people in. I've started to realize lately how much I need people in my life but those people aren't there since I pushed them all away. So, I'm learning to open up and build community rather than hiding and trying to make it on my own. I've started by just having people over for dinner and making time for the people in my life. I connect with your words and am so glad you have the courage to share your thoughts and struggles.

    As far as your son, since I was a shy kid too, I wish my parents would have pushed me to do more. Whenever I have to do something outside of my comfort zone, I'm scared at first but then once I've done it, I'm so glad I pushed through the fear and did what I needed to. My parents didn't push me to do anything but I think I would have been a lot more confident and outgoing had they gotten me involved in more. I'm not a mom so I don't know, I'm just thinking about what would have helped me as a kid. Since you’ve been through the same thing, probably just thinking about what your parents could have done to help you as a kid will help you understand what to do for your son as well. Like your mom said though, maybe he just likes taking it all in and jumping in when he's ready. I know when I'm in a group of people, I enjoy just listening and taking everything in rather than being right in the middle of it. My mom-in-law always pushes me to say more and interact more because she's outgoing and enjoys being in the middle of everything...but she doesn't understand that not everyone is like her and some people really do enjoy sitting back and watching more than they enjoy being right in the middle of everything. So maybe encourage your son to get more involved but don't push him so hard you make him feel like he has to be someone he's not.

    Dude, now I've written a book too :]

    Enjoy your words, keep it up!

    Kari Dabbs Andrews

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    Replies
    1. Kari,
      Thank you!
      Its hard to know how to encourage him to step out. He's only 3 and he's my first, so I'm kind of learning as I go. Its hard to know how he is really doing when I'm not there, cause his nursery workers/sunday school teachers/awana leaders all say is good and happy when im not there, but thats as far as they go. So I don't know if he interacts or not. When I spy on him during awana, its during game time, so maybe he just doesn't like the games? I try to take comfort in the fact that he'll still interact with older kids. Maybe he is just mature for his age. :P
      I think there has to be a happy medium with the "pushing" them thing. My mom didn't push me a lot, but she did encourage me. I think if she had pushed me, it wouldn't have went over well. I think it probably depends on the shyness. For my son, I think a little push might be good for him. Maybe we'll see once school starts.

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