Somedays it still doesn't seem real.
But some days it sinks in.
I was finally able to clean my kitchen on tuesday.
It might seem silly to you, but I had just started picking out the music I was going to listen too while I did the dishes when my mom called me on October 23rd to tell me the news.
For three weeks after that my dishes didn't get done (which isn't as bad as it sounds, because we used a lot of paper and plastic those 3 weeks). Every time I tried to start I just couldn't do it.
Finally I did it. I cried a lot. I know it seems silly. Dishes shouldn't be so emotional! But cleaning doesn't require a lot of thought. Which means my mind was open to the memories of that day.
The worst day of my life.
People always ask "What's your favorite memory?" or "What was the best day of your life?" But its impossible to pick just one.
There are the days I found out I was pregnant or when my babies were born.
The day I found out Kenneth liked me! Or when asked me to be his girlfriend or asked me to marry him.
The day we got married.
The day he came home from Afghanistan.
How can you pick just one favorite day?
I never thought it'd be so easy to say what the worst day of my life was.
I've had bad days. Everyone does. But I forget about them.
I wish that Tuesday was a day I could easily forget. It's always in the back of my mind.
Its burned in my head like a movie. Flashes of it play through my head. When I try to rest with Kaiden at nap time. Or when I'm doing the dishes. I can't sleep at night unless I wait til I'm half asleep before I even go to bed.
I try to stop those thoughts by thinking about the good things like Phil 4:8 says.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
Its not always easy though. Its hard to celebrate things or be happy when I'm so sad. When I'm with groups of people I feel so out of place. Everyone is so happy and even though I'm smiling, I hurt inside. And I get tired of pretending like I care. I know they aren't all going through this, but when I hear the trivial things that they complain about it just makes me upset. I just want to say "Who cares?! I've had this terrible thing happen to me! Who cares if you got a splinter!" But I know thats not right. Thats not who I am. I care about people. Even if its something small, I care about them. God cares about that silly splinter so I should too.
I just don't know how to get through this. One day I hope to be better and then maybe I can help other people get through similar things. But right now I just want to never leave my house or talk to anyone. I force myself to do it though. I know becoming a hermit isn't healthy. I know my boys need to get out of the house and socialize with friends and family. So do I.
How are you getting through this? I know music helps me. Lyrics can be soothing and comforting. I really like songs that I can relate too. Feel free to share what helps when you're sad or grieving. What are some of your favorite lyrics?
How can a granite stone symbolize
the kaleidoscope that was your life?
Your words will stay alive in me.
My knees grow weak,
the tears I leave are healing me.
--Say Goodnight by This Beautiful Republic--
We must be connected more than you think. When you can't sleep I can't sleep. I totally get the way you feel about other people and they minor things they think are so major. I want to take moms and shake them until they realize what they are doing to their children. I think your blogging is going to help. I think YOU may end up being the writer not may-may. Today I went and laid face down on the floor where his life ended and just cried and cried. Its okay to be sad. We aren't going to get over this soon. We gotta just take it slow and easy. If you dont want to get out of the house or even bed, that is okay for a while. My therapist gave me a survivors handbook its easy reading I'll get it to you. I love you April. I like your thoughts. love mom.
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