--My very own Tommy Pickles--

It is pretty interesting being the only female in a house of guys.
Sure, my kids are only 2 and 3 but they are ALL boy.
I had hoped for a girl but so far only boys. And I'm okay with that now.
Sometimes I think that if we decide for another baby, I'd be a little disappointed if it was a girl.
I kind of have an idea of what to expect with boys.

Like how everything is about poop now. Poop is apparently a very funny word and can be the answer to any question. "What do you want for lunch?" poop. "What do you want to play?" poop. "Do you like my hair?" poop.

My youngest, Kaiden, is starting to become his own person. He still really loves to copy everything his brother does, but he's also coming up with some surprising things on his own.
Like stuffing things in his diaper. He likes to put things in his pockets but he doesn't like to wear pants. Which means no pockets! So instead of putting on pants, he just puts his things in his diapers.
He has 2 toy screw drivers that he walks around with poking out of his diaper. It reminds me of Tommy Pickles from the Rugrats.

My own Tommy Pickles!
-poor phone quality-

And you never know what you're gonna find in there when you change him.
Like dominos. He thinks they are miniature phones.
I've also found change in there. A few pennies, nickels, and a quarter. The occasional pieces of food. Oh! And of course we can't forget, poop!

What funny things have you found in your kids diapers?

Yesterday was a good day.

I had my first really good day in a while.
We went to church.
 We stumbled upon this church in September. One day we were driving home from the base and saw signs for a fall harvest. We didn't have any plans for that day so we decided to go check it out. The boys enjoyed it and we had a really good first impression of the people there. So we decided to check it out the next sunday morning. It felt like home. So we've been going there since then.

After church we went to my in-laws like we do every Sunday. We didn't stay for very long because the boys needed naps before we went back to church for the Thanksgiving Dinner Potluck.

Josiah didn't want to nap. He just wanted to go straight to church. He said "The cookies want to go to church, mommy!" Luckily he's not the mommy and they took naps anyway.

So after nap we went back to the church. I took the yummy cajun turkey and oreo balls (the cookies that wanted to go to church) I had made. I didn't feel like I was out of place or  I didn't belong like I've felt most of the past month when I'm with happy groups of people.

After the dinner, the boys ran around and played with the other kids.
Josiah is usually happy to play by himself or sit and watch other kids play, so I was pretty happy that he was participating.
When daddy started to help fold up chairs and tables, the boys decided they wanted to help. I was so proud of their little servant hearts.
They could have kept playing but instead Kaiden helped roll the tables around where they belonged. Josiah learned how to fold the chairs and he tried to carry them by himself but then decided it was more fun when mommy helped. He walked around telling the other kids "KIDS! Its time to clean up the chairs!" He's quiet in large groups, so they didn't hear him. He kept helping though.

They made my heart so happy.
On our drive home I just felt so happy. Everyone was happy and good and it made me happy.

Today though... It hasn't been a bad day. But its been a day.

Josiah and I talked about what happened to may-may.
He hadn't been told yet. I think I've been waiting for them to ask where he is. We don't usually go this long without seeing him and especially not when my other brothers and sisters ALL come over. They usually ask for whoever is missing. But they haven't asked yet. Sometimes I'll hear them saying something about him, just like they do bam-bam or anyone else. But thats it.
I don't really know how it came up. I was just getting Jo ready for breakfast and he said something about may-may and I told him he was dead. I said it nicely though.
Josiah doesn't understand death yet, but he knows a little. From playing and watching tv I guess.
But when I told him he looked sad for a second and then remembered he had cereal. So he ran off.
A little bit later we were sitting on the couch and he said "How is may-may dead?". Well... I don't know what to say to a 3 year old about that... He plays with his toy guns so I didn't want to give him to much detail and have his guns be scary or have him play that way. Plus he's just too little for that anyway.
So I just said he was shot. But Josiah has a very active imagination and likes to make up stories in his head. So when he heard that he thought it was an exciting story and said "A bad guy was outside and went pew (jo's gunshot sound)!"
Maybe I should have left it at that, but I don't want him to become scared or anything so I just said no, he has a real gun like daddy's and he did it himself.
Josiah just said "yeah." like he already knew or something and then asked to watch more Feeny (Boy Meets World). So I thought that was the end of it.
But then jay-jay came to visit and as soon as he walked in the door jo blurts out "May-may's dead."
Oh. Not what I was expecting...
 How do you tell a young child one of his close uncles isn't coming back? I want to avoid saying things like "he went away", "he's sleeping", or "we lost him." Kids are literal and I don't want him to think there is a chance we can find him or wake him up. He already asked me if he was just sleeping. Sometimes the boys fake die and call it sleeping. I don't want him to think that's what may-may is doing.
Any advice?

The Tears I Leave Are Healing Me

Somedays it still doesn't seem real. 

But some days it sinks in. 

I was finally able to clean my kitchen on tuesday. 

It might seem silly to you, but I had just started picking out the music I was going to listen too while I did the dishes when my mom called me on October 23rd to tell me the news. 

For three weeks after that my dishes didn't get done (which isn't as bad as it sounds, because we used a lot of paper and plastic those 3 weeks). Every time I tried to start I just couldn't do it. 

Finally I did it. I cried a lot. I know it seems silly. Dishes shouldn't be so emotional! But cleaning doesn't require a lot of thought. Which means my mind was open to the memories of that day. 

The worst day of my life.

People always ask "What's your favorite memory?" or "What was the best day of your life?" But its impossible to pick just one. 

There are the days I found out I was pregnant or when my babies were born. 

The day I found out Kenneth liked me! Or when asked me to be his girlfriend or asked me to marry him. 

The day we got married. 

The day he came home from Afghanistan. 

How can you pick just one favorite day?

I never thought it'd be so easy to say what the worst day of my life was. 

I've had bad days. Everyone does. But I forget about them. 

I wish that Tuesday was a day I could easily forget. It's always in the back of my mind. 

Its burned in my head like a movie. Flashes of it play through my head.  When I try to rest with Kaiden at nap time. Or when I'm doing the dishes. I can't sleep at night unless I wait til I'm half asleep before I even go to bed.

I try to stop those thoughts by thinking about the good things like Phil 4:8 says.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Its not always easy though. Its hard to celebrate things or be happy when I'm so sad. When I'm with groups of people I feel so out of place. Everyone is so happy and even though I'm smiling, I hurt inside. And I get tired of pretending like I care. I know they aren't all going through this, but when I hear the trivial things that they complain about it just makes me upset. I just want to say "Who cares?! I've had this terrible thing happen to me! Who cares if you got a splinter!" But I know thats not right. Thats not who I am. I care about people. Even if its something small, I care about them. God cares about that silly splinter so I should too.

I just don't know how to get through this. One day I hope to be better and then maybe I can help other people get through similar things. But right now I just want to never leave my house or talk to anyone. I force myself to do it though. I know becoming a hermit isn't healthy. I know my boys need to get out of the house and socialize with friends and family. So do I. 

How are you getting through this? I know music helps me. Lyrics can be soothing and comforting. I really like songs that I can relate too. Feel free to share what helps when you're sad or grieving. What are some of your favorite lyrics?

How can a granite stone symbolize

the kaleidoscope that was your life?

Your words will stay alive in me.

My knees grow weak,

the tears I leave are healing me.

--Say Goodnight by This Beautiful Republic--

These Are My Souvenirs

                                       "So I close my eyes and go back in time.

I can see you smiling, you’re so alive.

I close my eyes and go back in time.

you were just a child then, and so was I.

we were so young, we had no fear.

we were so young, we had no idea

that nothing lasts forever."

Well so much for posting regularly.
Right after I started this blog there was a loss in my family.
My middle brother, age 16, committed suicide.
I'm the oldest of 9. I have 2 brothers and a sister in IL that I don't get to see often.
Dalton lived with my mom in a town near here.
He would stay with me sometimes. He spent a good portion of Spring/Summer 2012 with me and my boys. He stayed with me during a lot of weekends while my husband was deployed.
My kids called him May-May. He was one of their favorite uncles.
I could let you guess why he was called May-May, because it'd probably be a more exciting story that way. But I'll tell you the true boring version instead.
When Dalton was little we called him Dolly Madison. I don't really remember why. I think it had something to do with the hostess cakes. And he hated it. And of course, as his siblings, we had to call him a name he hated.
Eventually we quit calling him that but it would still come up every once in awhile.
Anyway, one week I was staying with my brothers and sisters and we were talking about how all of them have nicknames that the boys call him.
Jeremy is Jay-Jay. Sammy is Bam-Bam. Jordan is Jordy. It comes out Dordy though. And Izaiah requested that he be called Uncle Zaiah.
So we decided Dalton needed a name.
We started playing around with Dolly Madison and Madison somehow became May-May.
At first he thought it was just silly and tried to change it but I think it grew on him.
Jeremy's daughter, Addie, started calling him May-May too.
He was a really good brother (most of the time.) and an even better uncle.
He always stopped what he was doing when the boys wanted to play with him. He even changed a diaper or two.
He will always be missed.

Last time together

Where's May-May?

Lyrics by Switchfoot "Souvenirs"